He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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