i would punch a child for taco bell
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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