The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's just so happy...and so naked.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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