Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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