none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
