you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
