soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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