...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
