Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
