I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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