she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
