So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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