The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
