So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
