Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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