i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
