I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
