The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
