Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
