I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
