I wish my penis had an off switch
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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