If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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