alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
