Yo dont text me then not text me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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