you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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