Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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