On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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