Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
