y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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