What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize