tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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