We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
