If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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