She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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