Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
