I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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