i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
