Yo dont text me then not text me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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