found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
