My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
