The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
