U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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