My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
