its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
