Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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