You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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