Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
