I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I fill condoms, not promises.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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