can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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