Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
