You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
