just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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