so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
