Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
