I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
