so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
