you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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