I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
