I just pynch a tree in the face
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
