I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
